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Spot a Narcissist (Before You Marry, Hire, Date, or Befriend One) By Asking These 2 Questions

Healthy narcissism is real. So is toxic narcissism. Ask these two revealing questions to spot the difference.

Dr. Samantha Boardman

Feb 23
31

Hands down, narcissism is the psychological disorder I get the most questions about. Rarely do people voice concern over their own narcissistic tendencies. In fact, nobody has ever come to my office and said, "Am I a narcissist?" though many have asked if they have depression or anxiety. What they would like to know about is how to deal with the narcissists in their lives. This week's Dose is about how to spot a narcissist before you marry, hire, date, or befriend one.

It's worth pointing out that narcissism isn't always toxic and to a certain extent is adaptive. Desiring admiration, attention, and approval is part of being human and the motivation to maintain positive self-regard is perfectly normal. In fact, it's healthy to think well of oneself. Interestingly, studies show that most of us think a little too highly of ourselves. Ninety-three percent of drivers believe they are "more skilled than most drivers." Eighty-five percent of college students say they "get along better with others than average." People think their kids are better than other kids.

Just because most of us have exaggerated perceptions of personal superiority doesn't mean that we are all narcissists.

Normal narcissism is distinct from pathological narcissism. The two questions I always ask to assess for the presence of pathological narcissism are:

Those with narcissistic personality disorder can typically talk about themselves for hours on end but they have a hard time describing the other people in their lives. They happily provide lively, specific, and usually flattering details about themselves but when pressed to talk about other significant people in their lives, they have little to say.

In contrast to the rich depictions of the self, they typically provide shallow, vague, and oftentimes generic descriptions of the people they are supposedly close to. A narcissistic husband who cheats on his wife might describe her as "a bore" or "not fun to be with" without providing any nuance or depth of understanding of her inner life or acknowledging how his behavior is impacting her.

According to Eve Caligor, clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, people with narcissistic personality disorder have relationships that are transactional and lacking in empathy. Their interest in others is self-serving and viewed through the lens of self-enhancement as in "how can this person elevate my social standing or help me look good?"

For a narcissist, getting ahead is more important than getting along and this exploitive mindset is captured by their inability to imagine or describe the feelings of others.

As insanely obvious as this sounds, this is a reliable way to identify a narcissist. A study found that how people rated themselves on a scale of 1 (not true of me) to 7 (very true of me) aligned closely with other validated measures of narcissism, such as the widely used Narcissistic Personality Inventory.

Brad Bushman, a co-author of the study and professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State University explained:

One of the many advantages of this simple narcissism litmus test is that it enables narcissist identification so quickly and easily. Of course, you could always ask someone to take the classic Narcissism Personality Inventory developed by Raskin and Hall but that might be a little awkward.

Bottom line: Healthy narcissism is real. So is toxic narcissism. Ask these two revealing questions to spot the difference.

Check out fellow Bulletin author Alina Cho's Guest Edit for Air Mail. I'm flattered to be featured in her Highly Selective Storefront.

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31 Comments

  • Maria Viula Haynes
    A true Narcissist always talks about himself or herself …no matter what others are talking about, the Narcissist always turns it to be about them
    2
    • 11w
    2 Replies
  • Carmen Banks
    Narcissism is a very evil demonic trait. These people have no love no empathy no nothing. Just an empty shell who can portray like the most loving and kind person out in public eye but once out of the sight are evil manipulative monsters
    9
    • 11w
    2 Replies
  • Susan Healy
    I agree, but not the second question. I am yet to meet a narcissist who admits they are.
    They believe there is nothing wrong with them and therefore they are not narcissist.
    They hate labels, and being labeled a narcissist goes against their one true love, themselves.
    • 11w
  • Jeannette Cobb
    I belieave it’s evil too. I don’t see how any of it could be healthy! They have no empathy no concern about anything but themselves. All they want to do is take something that is good and twist it all up to where it’s evil. I fell in love with a monste…
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    • 11w
  • Richard Oliver
    Living with a narcissistic wife for 20 years I can absolutely save that this article is not true at all as far as the questions. My wife was diagnosed as a narcissistic sociopath and there was never a time in that 20 years that she would ever admit tha…
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    2
    • 11w
    3 Replies
  • Lisa Ann Rodgers
    The only problem here is that the second question is not going to help identify a covert, and they’re the worst kind.
    2
    • 11w
  • Jessica Sean Weeks
    As a mental health professional I find this article to be extremely disturbing. First, you are not qualified to identify or offer such diagnosis to the public and what you state in this article is highly inaccurate and extremely inappropriate. Secondly…
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    2
    • 11w
    1 Reply
  • Christina Faulkner Davison
    These are very simplistic questions. A true narcissist tend to view themselves as benevolent, caring, giving etc. My Narc ex would talk me up to everyone he encountered, albeit unrealistically. He actually disliked talking about himself because he was …
    See more
    • 11w
    2 Replies
  • Jay Thompson
    I think this is labeling someone as a narcissist is cop out for lovers. If you don't love yourself first, who else will? If you can't get comfortable with your own company then it's going to a long lonely life. My mother taught me and my sister this l…
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    • 11w
    1 Reply
  • Shari Heath
    The only empathy a narcissist has is of himself. I just ended a relationship with a guy the textbook narcissist by far, all glorified topics are about him and you add a story he'll find a way to steer it all back to him , and all his relationship's it'…
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    • 11w
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